Itching for a conflict?

On the surface, a conflict-free life may seem ideal. Many individuals seem to be on the lookout for a stress-free life — things are simple, challenges are few and interpersonal conflicts are non-existent.

Most experts agree, however, that conflict can not always be avoided—it is a part of life. But it can also be a positive experience since it often presents an opportunity to better understand those around us and improve our interactions with them.

In a conflict, the positions and concerns of two individuals may first appear to be miles apart. During a conflict, individuals can be assertive (even aggressive) in trying to satisfy their wants and needs. Alternatively, they can cooperate and try to placate the other person, or attempt to reach a compromise – or respond to the needs and wants of both parties.

Conventional wisdom recognizes, for example, that often "Two heads are better than one" and as such we should collaborate in a conflict situation. On the other hand, some would argue that "Might makes right" and we should try to win at any cost.

As psychologists, we have seen that individual manage conflict in a variety of ways. Conflict management strategies suggest using a set of social skills (e.g. listening, assertiveness, cooperation, problem-solving, persuasion, negotiation). While each conflict situation will often determine the best conflict-handling strategy to be used, we all have our preferred ways of managing interpersonal conflicts and often resort to one strategy type over others.

Actions and Reactions: Proving That You Are Right or Acting with Kindness?

It happens to everybody to regret having said certain things and/or to have made certain gestures in times of stress or conflict.

As a psychologist and coach, clients regularly ask me for advice as to how to better manage their interpersonal relationships, both personal and professional. Many feel overwhelmed and admit they react badly when stressed or confronted with arguments or conflict. I’ve noticed that more often than not, my clients admit their reactions in such interpersonal situations are emotional and / or impulsive and do not necessarily help solve the problem. Unfortunately for some, even for many, showing that they are right (and that the other party is wrong) becomes their objective (consciously or unconsciously) in such interpersonal exchanges. This leads to losing sight of the fact that the ultimate goal is rather to establish interpersonal relationships that allow us to live a more fulfilling, positive and productive personal and professional life. Adopting an interpersonal style that is too rigid or even unpredictable or avoidant in such situations leads rather to increasing the level of tension, frustration, distrust, and interpersonal dissatisfaction and this directly affects our capacity to function well and be productive.

I often meet with clients who tell me that they are stressed, disappointed, sad, and frustrated by their inability to resolve their disagreements in their life with their partner. This inability adversely affects their couple life and can contribute to a breakup in the long run. Similarly, some of my clients experience interpersonal difficulties at work (with colleagues and /or superiors) which undermine their professional success and ability to hold a job.